Love, Joy, Peace --- But Patience?

Be still. 

Wait. 

I have NEVER been accused of being a patient person. 

When it comes to the gift of the Spirit, I'm good at the get go...love, joy, peace...but I'm not too good with the patience!

A portion of the waiting is over.

We heard from the doctor last night. I have stage II rectal cancer. The good news - if there is any to be seen in it - is that there is no apparent evidence of a disturbance (my new word for what is going on in my body) anywhere else. We will meet with an oncologist some time this week for their recommended plan of treatment. I have been told all along that it will "probably" be 6 weeks of chemo and radiation to shrink the disturbance and then do surgery to remove it. 

If I were to try to put a positive spin on all this and say I'm just fine - I would be lying to you and to myself. And I've been reminded that lying is using negative energy and I don't need any negativity in my life right now. I want to be honest and straightforward. That's why I originally decided to write about this journey. I have cried. I have screamed. I have gotten angry and I have been insanely crazy at times during the past two weeks - cranked up my '70s disco music and danced! Talk about a roller coaster ride!

But I am settled and just fine with the love, joy and peace that I have. SO MANY friends and family have reached out, prayed, shown their concern and love - for that I am humbled and overwhelmed. I have a terrific support system and it would be so hard to take a journey like this without that kind of support. We REALLY DO need each other!

And I am loved by a goon who is constantly bringing me joy, who thinks it's funny that my doctor's name is Aston! (If I have to draw you a picture, you need some joy in your life!) And friends who teased me about one of my first blogs where I said I had been out doing "weed therapy" and "hoeing!" That makes me laugh just to write it!

And I have great peace all around me - in my home and outside my windows.

But mostly - all of this comes from within - from the one who has sealed me with His Holy Spirit. 

If I don't make it to patience and ultimately to self-control (I have focused a lot of energy in my life on other control!) - I'm okay. Because for today I do have love...I do have joy...and I do have Peace - the peace that passes all understanding. 

"I love you, O Lord, my strength." - Psalm 18:1

Life ain't fair and neither is God!

Life's not fair!

If it were, my friend Clay - shown here in the hospital - would not have been chopped up and sent to heaven piece by piece. My friend Matt would not have lost his baby sister in a drowning accident when we were all in the third grade. My friend Beth would not have buried her young son a couple of years ago. 

I would not have opened my email yesterday to find a prayer request for a 9 year old with an inoperable brain tumor.

My friend Kathy, who adopted a baby with spin-bifidia from the Ukraine, wouldn't be fighting cancer.

People wouldn't be starving or homeless. 

The women I have grown to know and love through CWJC would have had parents who loved them and supported them like mine did me. 

The rich wouldn't keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer.

I could go on and on.

I'm not a whiner by nature. I'm actually pretty optimistic. So just because cancer is growing in me right now, I'm not going to start whining. I just want to go on record saying life's not fair, and the sooner we all learn that, the better we will be able to cope with what comes at us. 

If I live my life believing I deserve this or that - good because I've been good - then I'm going to be greatly disappointed when things don't work out the way I think they should. 

So, why isn't life fair? I think it's because God's not fair. (Please keep reading!)

Jesus said God makes the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. And, He makes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust. (Someone else added the rain falls mostly on the just, because the unjust steals their umbrellas!) Therefore, we all get sunshine whether we deserve it or not, and we all get rain whether we deserve it or not.

I used to have problems with that verse because I wanted all sunshine. That was my idea of fair. But if that had happened, I would have been a spoiled, ungrateful brat!

Plants die without rain. Our souls need the rain to grow. And my greatest growth spurts have always occurred in the midst of the fiercest storms in my life.

The other reason I don't believe God is fair...His mercy and His grace! There have been plenty of times in my life that I should have been punished and He was merciful. He didn't give me what I know I deserved. 

And, there have been lots of times in my life when I have been given great things that I didn't do anything to deserve. He showered  me with sunshine through His grace.

I am blessed! I am redeemed! I've been adopted, and I am His child! I'm sealed with His Holy Spirit. As Paul said, if God doesn't do any thing else for me - He's already done so much more than I deserve.

I am so thankful for His mercy and His grace!

"I love you, O Lord, my strength." - Psalm 18:1 

I married a goon!

A joyful heart is good medicine" - Proverbs 17:22

If laughter truly is the best medicine, then I of all people should not have a cancer diagnosis. I mean...I married a goon!

Actually, that's one of the reasons I did marry him. Who could resist? I like to laugh. It's good for your immune system. Research shows it boosts your energy and protects you from stress. Ha! I should be well protected. 

One website actually said "Add chuckling to your illness prevention plan." Well - there is no shortage of chuckling at our house even though I didn't intentionally add it to my illness prevention plan.

We met with the doctor today. For those of you praying for me - many, many thanks. I go for testing bright and early this Friday morning (4/25). Please pray the cancer is contained. That being the case, I get off with surgery and no chemo/radiation. 

I am so blessed to have so many who love me and are praying for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And for all of you who are keeping me laughing - many thanks.

"I love you, O Lord, my strength." - Psalm 18:1

 

Live in a way that demands explanation!

I don't know who said this, but I've written in the front of my Bible "We need to live our lives in a way that demands explanation."

And that's how I want to live and how I want to take this detour I'm on right now. 

Peter says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." - I Peter 3:15

If I'm supposed to be prepared to give an answer...that means somebody has got to ask me a question. And, I figure I need to look different or act different if someone is going to ask me what's my reason for the hope I have - especially right now! And then in gentleness and respect, I can tell them that "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

I had a great day with my Madison family and my Kemp/Earhart/England/Shelby/Anderson/McDermott/Ferguson families today! Thank you for all the prayers and love that you all have surrounded me with. I really am at peace! I have my first consultation in the morning and will know more about what lies ahead this week.

And the photo...that's Rosey and me in "my friend Karlen's" garden. That's how I spent a good part of my morning yesterday - in weed therapy...hoeing!

"I love you, O Lord, my strength." - Psalm 18:1

Why not me?

On Monday night I was leading a Bible study called "How could God allow suffering and evil?" On Friday, I was told I had a very suspicious, probably malignant tumor. By the following Thursday, that suspicion was confirmed. I had cancer. Really? Me?

That "Thursday" was yesterday (04/17/14) and I have to admit it all still seems surreal. 

Yes - I've wondered why and why me. Surely, that is a normal reaction. Did I not eat right? Did I not exercise enough? Did I expose myself to too many microwave emissions or too many chemicals? Did I ingest too much saccharin? Was it too much coffee and not enough green tea? Was it the sun? Too much charcoal? Red meat? Red dye #2? Not enough fiber?Too much stress, not enough rest? Was I not empathetic enough with my first husband who died from cancer? Why was God letting this happen? (I can't even go there though. Too many dear, dear, godly people have suffered so much worse!)

And so, I've landed on "Why not me?"

God's first covenant was made with Noah - after God destroyed the earth, He promised never to do that again. "I will never again curse the ground on account of man...and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done." - Genesis 8:21 

When God made that promise, He was also saying - I may be sorry once again that I made man (Gen. 6:6), but I won't wipe you off the face of the earth because of that. And I believe that since that time, man has done a pretty good job of destroying himself - without any need for assistance!

From the beginning, God gave us choice, and none of us have handled that very well - starting with Adam and Eve. Since the fall, this has not been a world that God could look upon and declare good. I truly believe that. I believe He loves me - flawed as I am - and grieves and weeps with me. I also believe that He will work this out for the good. Just like His Word promises.

This morning's Psalm - Number 18 - says "He rescued me, because He delighted in me." I already had that highlighted in my Bible. I am His child - rescued because He delighted in me. He does not delight in pain and suffering or abuse or neglect or poverty or war or cancer! He is the God who girds me with strength and makes my way blameless (through Christ!)

And verse 19 - which offers me hope for whatever lies ahead and hence the title for this blog: "For You have girded me with strength for the battle."

I know this will be a battle, and I know I will have to do things I don't want to do. So for now, I'm asking all my friends to pray for me and for Roger and the rest of my family who love me. On Monday, I will have a consultation that will be about scheduling more tests. This will be the staging phase - to see just how far my cancer has progressed. Please pray that it was discovered early. 

"I love you, O Lord, my strength."
- Psalm 18:1